Vulnerable Series (1)

I was speaking to someone about speed and getting things done early in life and I realized something, having so much speed in life also has its disadvantages…especially if it is speed without direction.

In fact, I think it played the greatest role in how badly my life turned out, personally.

Let me use my story as an example;

Things happened very fast for me growing up. I never really struggled with progress at any point. I was a brilliant kid, finished school early, got good grades all over, seemed smarter than a lot of my peers etc. I grew up as an economically average child, my parents didn’t have money. We were alright but not trustfund kind of alright. My dad was an ambitious person and put in all his best to make sure I would become the best. He pushed me to good things and to make steps that would better my life.

I got admission into the university very early, about 2 months after my secondary school graduation. I was happy at the time of course, I was one of the first of my set to get into a higher institution, it wasn’t the course I applied for but at least I got admission into a prestigious university.

I’m sure a lot of people envied me then, or at least I felt so. I got into the university so excited and the excitement watered down my disappointment of not being given my desired course.

My school was one where there were no strikes at the time and so, I moved across levels very fast and so even among the few of us from my secondary school who gained admission early, I was still far ahead. I passed my exams, I didn’t have to do too much to be a little above average.

I was happy, life was good. So many of my mates were still struggling with JAMB and getting into school and there I was already in my finals. I was one of the youngest in my department and even if it made me uncomfortable, deep down it gave me so much comfort that my life would be good and easy. That I wouldn’t be like those “30year olds just getting their first degree. I am young and my future is so blindingly bright.” Joker. I was going to go for my masters immediately after my first degree and become a PhD holder at 25, develop a career, become a young, powerful, accomplished woman and keep it moving. Yes, solid dream right?

I finished from school in exactly four years, and even at this time, a lot of my peers were still struggling or either just getting into school.

This made me feel happy and special, I was going to be one of the first graduates of my set! My course wasn’t all that prestigious (it was one of those courses where you were told you could work anywhere *wink*) but at least, I’m a graduate suckers!

Things kept moving pretty fast, because of my school I went for my youth service almost immediately. Things were really good back then, I. remember arriving NYSC camp Rivers State just about a week or two after my convocation. Wow could life get any better? Whereas in other schools, it took months and so much time to accredit their students for nysc, mine was super fast. I felt like God’s favorite. I didn’t serve in secondary schools like a lot of corpers, I redeployed and got a perfect comfort zone to serve my nysc. Wasn’t exactly career advancing or career related for me, but at least it felt like a prestigious place to serve as a Youth Corper.

Then just in the middle of my nysc year, things started to spiral a bit, slowly at first till everything came crumbling down. All the speed I carried on from my young days started fading. During that period for the first time, there was a dawning. The dawning of reality. The dawning that I had practically achieved nothing significant my entire life, the dawning that my four years in the university were years I couldn’t really account for value-wise. I passed through the university but the university didn’t pass through me. A lot of mistakes I made because I was naive and very young and clueless, a lot of things I could have done to build value and career and sustainable skills but I didn’t do any.

All I got from those years was just a certificate, a second class upper (which is still not easy though if you ask me lol).

And because I was young and naive (and mostly because of the kind of person I was), I was too terrified to live freely, explore and take risks. I was in my comfort zone all those years!

This realization hit me so hard I fell into depression, I didn’t even know the kind of adult I had become, because my becoming an adult happened in between the university. I didn’t know who I was and what I was passionate about, what I really wanted for my life and the path to take.

It also dawned on me at that point that the few significant things I managed to acquire were as a result of the pushes by my dad. That was it! Nothing of my own! I didn’t try anything!

I hit rock bottom and I went into the deepest dungeons of depression, this depression carried on for years and in those years, my life was at a standstill. Remember how excited I was about starting big things fast? Now in those years of my standstill, a lot of peers that I felt I was “faster” than started to pick up. Some of them started off life being disappointed and let down that they developed tough skin needed to survive adulthood, some found their true passion in the process, some moved in amazing directions instead of random speed. And trust me, speed without direction is one of the most pointless things on earth, take it from one who has had the full experience.

I had nothing. My depression had the best part of me for a long time and it affected me a lot. Note that most part of everything I experienced was based on me, there are possibly a lot of people who started off early and picked up from there and are doing so great in their chosen careers and purpose, I cannot negate that…but this is my own story.

I didn’t even know the career I truly wanted because it was during that process I realized I should not have studied what I studied for my first degree, got into two masters program and because of my desperation to be “ahead,” I jumped on two of them and ended up losing both; pulled out of one because of finances and mostly self-loathe.

The other, I failed two courses in my first semester and that destroyed my entire self esteem. Now let’s talk about the one I failed two courses; I have never failed a single exam in my entire life up until that. Well, except you count the Yoruba studies subject I took briefly in senior secondary school. If I wasn’t sure of any part of my life, I knew academics was my go to. I could never go wrong in it or fail at it. It was the one and only thing I was so sure I was good at to an extent and now I failed not one but TWO courses in my first semester???? That shattered me and made me question a lot of things. So academics wasn’t a go to for me? I abandoned the masters degree after then because I felt so discouraged.

My life was a mess, I occupied myself with so many trials and errors. I had no clue who I was, what I wanted to be or become. I was jumping from one thing or the other, had no significant plan for life. No dreams, no aspirations, no solid goals, no purpose. It was all dark; emotionally, physically, career-wise, romantically, every area!

All this time, a lot of my peers started to move ahead of me in all areas. I started to be left behind. So much for starting early huh?

I hated who I was and it took me that season to realize that. I had no physical friends anymore, couldn’t build a love life, couldn’t find a career I wanted to pursue and sustain, couldn’t discipline myself and stay motivated and determined, nothing.

I WAS A MESS. I became suicidal, practiced self harm, I passed through all the stages of depression. I would literally pray so hard not to wake up every morning. Life lost every meaning. It was a dark tunnel and I was all alone. Nobody knew. That young girl with speed and a bright future on her way to 25 and nothing still made sense.

It felt like the air of speed disappeared on me and now the foul stench of stagnancy choked me. I honestly didn’t know what to do with my life! I read books, watched motivational videos, tried to find relatable stories maybe it would help me find a solution but nothing worked. I took a break from everything, things I loved doing suddenly felt like chores. I couldn’t even sustain interest in things, I lost all interest (main reason why I’ve been away from here). I couldn’t even speak to anyone about it because I did not even know how to explain it, and because I didn’t want the cliche advice that everyone was dishing out. I went through all of this is silence, putting up a front when necessary and acting like everything was good, when in fact, I was dying slowly on the inside.

Then at a point it started to get better, I think. I got a job through a family member. I started to feel better, I was earning money and I felt okay. I started to get distracted from my mental health issues and I thought I was finally getting better. I still had no purpose or pursuit but I felt better, I didn’t feel the overwhelming urge to kill myself anymore and I wasn’t crying to the point of panic attacks.

I even started learning a skill and for the first time in my life, I wanted to take it really serious.

I thought I was better until everything came crashing again. All the progress I seemed to have achieved turned to ashes. I struggled so hard because I really didn’t want to go back to the dungeon I managed to crawl out of. I cried and I begged God that I didn’t want to go back, but after then I realized, I never really left the dungeon, I’ve been there and am still there, I just had distractions dangled in my face that made me feel like I had fought those demons and won. The brutal truth is, I haven’t. Now they leave me sometimes, but they are still with me and at any trigger, they rise up and overwhelm me to the point of powerlessness.

This is a present struggle and I am trying so hard to have hope, hope that things will get better and I will figure out my place and spot in this world. When I do, that will just be the greatest moment of my entire existence.

Now I have so many peers that have gone ahead of me, that are in places my feet cannot even step into, that are doing wonders and taking decisions I wouldn’t even dare to take, even if my life started “earlier” than theirs.

So dear reader, speed is not necessarily a measure of anything when it comes to life. It’s not about being the first or starting early, the utmost goal is to find direction in its fullest form.