Master’s Degree(s) in the dump?

I would have completed my master’s program in Public Health this year. Two master's degrees in fact. Yes, Two. MPh and MSc respectively. You would wonder how so right?

I watched sadly as messages from my “supposed” department Whatsapp group chat rolled in. Ideally, I would have been on my way to bagging my MPh with them by now and also an MSc on the side, but here I was, sad and full of regrets about things that might have been. Let’s talk about the first one, MSc. Public Health;

Of all the milestones and notable things I have achieved in my life, I can never deny that my father played a great role in making me achieve them. He has always pushed me to achieve good things and to take beneficial steps. I casually applied for my first Master’s degree at an Open University (purely because he pushed me). I originally wanted an MPh but the school had no provision for that and I had to settle for an MSc. which in my opinion was still a fair bargain. There is usually no tussle in open universities so my admission was what you could call ‘automatic.’

In the open university, there are no lectures. You register, make your payments, get your materials, read on your own, do your TMAs (tests) online, and show up physically for exams. Along the line of that, I got admission for my second Master’s degree at a conventional university, this time it was MPh.

I got the second admission for a master's in Public Health(MPh) sometime in 2021. I remember applying for the program but not really thinking I would get in. I got invited for an entrance exam, did well, and got the admission. When I got the admission, I was not as excited as I should have been. I felt a mixture of feelings that were good and bad. The Master's program was majorly my dad’s idea at the time, I always wanted to bag degrees as young as I could but for the usual reason, I couldn’t get myself to do anything. Not until my dad gave me the push to apply for the program.

Getting in, I thought of so many things. I was so young and the thought of completing my masters before my mid-20s sounded exciting (especially getting TWO master's degrees!) but I was worried about going for a Master’s program and still having to depend on my parents financially. It had always been my dream to be earning enough to take care of myself whenever I decide to further my education. Now I was still fully dependent on my family, with no source of income, and no means of earning anything. This bothered me a lot and deep down somehow, I wished I didn’t get the admission. At least that would have been a perfect excuse to look for a job first.

At the time, lectures were virtual and so I did not need to resume physically on campus. I started to attend lectures online and honestly, my mind was not in any of the lectures I received. I needed a source of income, and I wanted to start making money so I would not have to depend on anyone for basic things, but at the same time, I was happy and thrilled to have started my master's. I was going to bag a master's in Public Health! My dream Masters course.

My first semester exams for the open university came up in the process(the academic calendar was ahead of that of the conventional university). I had done well in my tests and prepared adequately for my exams. The timetable was insane and really jam-packed but there was no choice, I had to write the exams that way. Reading and assimilation proved very tough for me but I gave it my best regardless.

I wrote my exams and when the results were out, I had two carryovers. In all my life, I have never failed an exam…much less 2! I was shocked and could not believe my eyes. Academics was one thing in my life I knew I could never fail at, all through school,the worst I ever got was a D and that only happened once, staring at two Fs felt like a very bad dream I wanted to wake up from and as I stared at the result screen, it dropped in my heart that there was nothing I could not fail at. Nothing was my go-to! At first, I was numb, then after I cried my eyes out, so much that I thought I would go blind. I could not tell my father I had failed. He had spent his hard-earned money paying for my schooling and I had failed my first set of exams. I felt shattered. My go-to field had failed me, I blamed myself, hated myself, and lost all interest in everything.

I had to tell my dad at the end of the day, and to my greatest surprise, he took it so well. I had expected scolding or a hint of disappointment but his response was entirely different. He was surprised but he shook it off casually. That did nothing to ease my sadness and guilt, I got so angry with myself that I never went back to that portal again. I abandoned everything.

I kept receiving my virtual lectures from the other school, although mostly absentmindedly, and as fate would have it, it was time to pay for my fees and things were a bit tight financially for my family. My dad had covered some major expenses that came impromptu and there was no money to pay for my fees. This worried me and further strengthened my point of needing a job before getting any further degree. My dad being a lover of education, did all he could to raise the amount but to no avail. I even approached the head of my department with a plea for an extension but I was met with a dead end. The deadline kept approaching and there was no hope anywhere of getting the amount. In the end, I had to forgo my admission.

I was hurt. A greater part of me felt like God was trying to prove a point that my fears were in fact valid; that getting a source of income was important. If we couldn’t raise tuition, how would we be able to raise accommodation and all other expenses? My fantasy of becoming a young Master's degree holder was shattered and I had no idea what would come next for me.

I was stuck with the reality of failing one Master’s degree and not being able to afford the other. I felt drained. I had two birds in my hands but ended up losing them both.

Now it's years after, and I look back and wish that things were different. I wish I had studied more for those exams, I wish that we could have been able to afford that money. I wish that I already found my foot in life or at least, been on the path. I wish I had not failed any course, or maybe just one. I wish everything was different. All I still have now is my first degree and I cannot honestly say that I have advanced significantly in any career. The consoling factor in all of this might be that at least, I have a job. Counts for something right?