Clueless on what to do…
I watched my childhood neighbor and playmate on the TV as she spoke fluently, it was a TV show and she was hosting the event. My mom had called my attention to it from my room. I first doubted it was her but a second deeper look made me realize she was truly the one. I was surprised honestly because as kids, I never really imagined I would ever watch her on TV or even host a show, but there she was, smiling gracefully and speaking with so much confidence. At that moment, I envied her a lot. Not only because she was speaking on TV, but because she was pursuing a career already.
I had issues with navigating career after my first degree. I honestly had no clue on what to do or which career to pursue. In cases like that, I would hear cliché advise like “follow your passion, go after your dreams, don’t be lazy, learn a skill, there are opportunities everywhere find it.” I heard all these things a lot and as a clueless, confused young adult, I hated those words greatly. They did not in any way help me navigate career or purpose, they just me hate myself more.
I set out to try many things, just maybe in the process I would know what I wanted out of life. I tried tech because it seemed very trendy at the time, I tried business, I even wanted to go to aviation school to become a flight attendant, I applied for internships in NGOs, I took many courses (that I mostly never finished) on different fields; digital marketing, project management, social media management, writing, makeup, public speaking, content creation, UI/Ux just to mention a few. I wanted to try everything. I was just so desperate to find my path, but nothing was working. Nothing stuck. Nothing made sense, nothing felt right, nothing felt good enough. I read so many self help articles and books, listened to things on finding your passion and purpose, tried self help strategies. Nothing worked for me!
I would see my peers in their various careers doing so well and flourishing and I would admire it so much. I grew older with no significant career to my name. The question “what do you do?” felt very uncomfortable to me because I had never had anything reasonable to say to that question. “What do you do Damilola?” I have never been able to answer that, because how do I explain that my entire life has been full of trials and errors and I have not been able to find a path that feels just right? How do I explain that one moment I feel like this is what I am meant to do and the next moment I have no will whatsoever to continue it anymore? How do I explain?
For those who knew what they wanted to do in life easily, how did you do it? How did it come so easy to you? I wish I didn’t have to struggle and be on this never ending quest for purpose. I wish I knew what exactly I want to become and have the determination to pursue it. This makes me loathe myself because I feel like there has to be something wrong somewhere with me. How hard can it be to find what you want to do as an adult? Like I mentioned earlier, I tried many things, but because they did not feel right, I got tired of them easily and opted out at the slightest block or difficulty.
I really do not know what tips to try anymore, and I am deeply sick of the usual advice people throw around. I really want to build a career, one that I am sure is right for me. I want to find what works and what feels right.
